It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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