please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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