Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
