I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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