Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
