made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
