Have you finally orgasmed yet?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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