Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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