Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
