she woke up with a sticky ear
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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