I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
