I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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