Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
