Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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