end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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