the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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