they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
These tits shall not be calmed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
