I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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