I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My life is pants optional.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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