there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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