i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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