I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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