I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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