you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
