If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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