Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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