I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He shit in the fireplace
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
