***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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