I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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