My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
