I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
