smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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