I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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