I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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