He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
