im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How external is "for external use only"?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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