I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize