So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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