I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
