I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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