I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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