I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
