The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
