Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
