But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
