me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
