i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
