did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch