3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.