My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
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Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.