your parents love me but you hate me
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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