There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.