The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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