I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
