four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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