I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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