Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
