yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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