You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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