I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
