if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
