she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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